Laurie's Life (Denver Style)

See how our family is doing since moving from Cali to Colorado

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Amazing Race

Friday we got up very early for us (7 am. We're on vacation damn it) and started to do all the finishing touches to get out of the house and on to the airport. We left in plenty of time. Took the toll road to the airport to smartly bypass any morning traffic there might be. Park in the cheap lot ($5/day beeyotch!) and get on the shuttle. Where we sit FOREVER as the driver lets every man, woman and child who had a flight out of DIA on to the damn shuttle.

Finally start to drive and get to the counter at AA. Check in. Well, not my husband. They just cut off the baggage acceptance so he'll have to take his with him. Great.

Haul down to the security line which is the longest I've ever seen it there. Double damn. Snake through the queue only to realize that my husband has his toiletries in his bag. Throw away $15 dandruff shampoo. Realize I have a bottle of water and three box juices for my kids. Throw them away. Fucking terrorists.

Get to our place in the line and my oldest daughter gets pulled over for "suspicious items in her bag". She's 12 for chrissakes. She has her toiletry bag in her carry on. Fuck. Never even thought to ask. Brand new toothpaste and $15 bottle of teeth gel in the trash.

Head down to the train (DIA is one of the more craptastic airports in the country. You have to take everything but a boat to get on a plane.) Look up at the time. It's 10:09. I'm starting to panic. I say "crap it's 10:09 and our flight leaves at 10:35. We're at the last concourse. We'll never make it." My darling 12 year old says, "no mom. Our flight leaves at 10:25." Holy shit.

We run. Off the train, up two escalators and to the gate. We can hear them calling final boarding for our flight. I throw our boarding passes at the gate agent and we run on the plane. Phew. All is well and we've made our flight.

But there is trouble in paradise. Once boarded we all notice a smell. Not a very pleasant smell at that. It's a smell that takes me back to my days at Humboldt State. It's the smell of really rank B.O.

We sit in our seats. I'm a little disturbed to see we're sitting in row 23. I know it's lame (hello? theme of my life) and it will only make sense to you if you watch Lost, but I'm taking it in. Then it hits me. The nicely dressed older lady in front of me is the cause of the B.O.

2 hours. 2 hours of wretched body odor. 2 hours of my son saying, "what's that smell mom?" 2 hours of my husband laughing as I sit miserably on the plane with my shirt over my nose. I forgot to mention that I also have had to pee since I got to the parking area and I hate going on planes. 2 hours of horrible smell and the huge urge to urinate. Worst. Plane ride. Ever.

Got into L.A. safely and have had a really nice weekend. Lots of family and friends. At 1 today we will board our ship for our cruise. Really looking forward to it. Just hope my son will partake of the kids club a bit. He's being a bit clingy to me lately.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. I know I wrote a book with this one but I figure I'll leave you with something you can read in pieces since I'll be gone all week. Because I know how much you all care ;)


  • At May 14, 2007 at 10:42 AM , Blogger Trish said...

    you cracked me up with the Humbolt county BO - I can for you though. I probably would have puked. Yeah I would have. Gross.

    have a great vaca!

  • At May 14, 2007 at 11:08 AM , Blogger Burfica said...

    yeah puke on the old lady, make them take her upfront and clean her up, then they bump her up to first class for her hassle, and you don't have to smell her anymore. I say try that next time.

  • At May 14, 2007 at 11:59 AM , Blogger Hammer said...

    Sorry your flight sucked. They have been recently kicking people off for BO. Not often enough I suppose.

  • At May 14, 2007 at 12:08 PM , Blogger Blazngfyre said...

    I would have made a stink (LOL) about the old lady BO.
    Couldn't. Resist.
    Hope the cruise is smooth sailing for y'all. (LOL)

    Ok. I'm done. I'll take my lame-ass out of here .... NOW!

  • At May 14, 2007 at 12:39 PM , Blogger Mz Jackson said...

    Been there and done that, so I probably shouldn't be laughing at this story, but can I help it you're so good at making things hilarious?

  • At May 14, 2007 at 2:22 PM , Anonymous Lorrie said...

    Dont you hate the "no fluids" thing?! I personally think that the toothpaste and shampoo people bribed someone. Think of it. Millions of travelers forced to buy new stuff every time they travel.

  • At May 15, 2007 at 2:09 AM , Blogger Donsie said...

    more more more.... please write BOOKS on your trip!! you do it so well... I can just picture this plane story... its like a story from the movie house... did not know it happens in real life LOL!!! Enjoy your week!!

  • At May 15, 2007 at 5:51 AM , Blogger Tracie said...

    I can appreciate your plane story- in flight back from Aruba, we had nice sweet children kicking the back of our seats for 4 hrs straight. I was a little annoyed, but moreso really missing my kids. Happy tanning!

  • At May 15, 2007 at 9:47 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oh sorry your flight sucked. I hate sucky flights. :[

    I hope you have/ had fun on your cruise!

  • At May 16, 2007 at 5:59 AM , Blogger Chick said...

    BO on a plane? Ugh...& I always have to pee constantly when I travel too...but those plane bathrooms? The worst. Glad you didn't hurt yourself.

    Have a great trip...did I mention that I'm jealous?

  • At May 16, 2007 at 3:54 PM , Blogger Katherine Marie said...

    At least you didn't have to witness a father/daughter molestation.

    That was my bus ride to Hell.

    Have fun on your cruise..!

  • At May 17, 2007 at 7:12 AM , Blogger Rebecca said...

    Two bad experiences on a plane that come to mind...first one: this little kid sat behind me and kicked my seat from Atlanta to Tulsa saying over and over "AEION," that spells teddy. I wanted to smoke him in the pie hole and turn around and say..."No, that spells nothing you little idiot." Secondly, I was stuck in the center seat (center= crunched, crowded, cramped, crappy)anyway...I am cramped and this woman (not even kidding a little bit) took off her shoe crossed her leg where her foot was inches away from me, pulled out one of those rock heels stones and started scrubbing her heel. There was foot dust flying everywhere. I bout threw up. God...I so hate flying. When I am rich I am buying my own plane.

  • At May 17, 2007 at 2:13 PM , Blogger Skittles said...

    Have a nice time funny lady :)

  • At May 20, 2007 at 8:00 AM , Blogger Rebecca said...

    I miss you!!! Come back!!!

  • At May 23, 2007 at 7:54 AM , Blogger Canadian flake said...

    ok guess I am out of the loop and stuck in the country...but what is this with toothpaste? you can't take toothpaste on a plane anymore? or juice boxes either??? is that a post 9-11 change?


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home